A Bug's Life

As the rainy season picks up here in southern Thailand, the jungles have been sending all kinds of crawling and flying menaces our way. Let's review the psychotic insects that we interact with daily...in approximate order of irritation.

Gnats

Next to Al Qaeda these are probably my least favorite group of anything. Pure evil incarnate, their goal in life, their sole purpose of existing within their pathetic, miserable existence, is to fly around right in front of your face, wherever you are and wherever you go. Caribou in the Alaskan tundra can be driven crazy by the hordes of mosquitoes that harass them as they migrate. That sounds like a vacation. We don't know where they come from- they must get in as we go to our outside bathroom. That, or they spontaneously emerge from  some invisible evil. We hate them, and rejoice whenever one meets death at our own hands.

Mosquitoes

I have become quite adept at the art of killing mosquitoes, and let me tell you, it has not been for want of practice. The ubiquitous, blood-sucking menace is most frequently encountered in our bathroom and it's here that I often have to resort to small arms fire and hand-to-hand techniques to take them down. Tragically, one may find its way into our bedroom, often just as we're watching a tv show before falling asleep. Just late enough to let us know that it will be flying around waiting to strike. This is unacceptable, and I will hunt them down with extreme prejudice and use whatever force necessary. The Terminator from the first movie is apathetic about whether or not Sarah Conner lives by comparison to how badly I wish to kill every mosquito that crosses our path. One night, when Kendra and Bailey were in Chang Mai, one of them had the audacity to fly by me as I rested before bed. I spent the next 25 minutes straight hunting him down. Over time I've learned their habits, and knew to seek it out amongst our clothes, backpacks, or near our shoes. Finally, during the 4th encounter, I maneuvered it near the wall and struck! My right palm met the wall with such force that I'd swear to you part of that mosquito is still embedded in it. Justice... was served.


Big/Small, Red/Black, Fast/Slow Ants

They're everywhere. They're also worthy of our respect, as, in addition to Ian, they're the only organism I've encountered that can lift almost 50 times their body weight. But that doesn't change the fact that they're everywhere. There are probably 14,000 within 5 feet of me right now. When we ate at an outdoor restaurant in Singapore, I suddenly had the revelation as to what it was that kept feeling as though it were missing. Ants. Ants were missing. It was wonderful to suddenly be without their previously constant presence in my life, but then we returned to southern Thailand. Here they run along every plant, every chair, along the walls in the bathroom and the bedroom. If you even look at an open space the wrong way an ant will show up there. Kendra has slaughtered legions, yet, like the hydra of Greek mythology, whenever you kill one, two more will show up in its place. They can't be stopped. 

Cockroaches

The back room on the bottom floor of the center is an enclosed area that's technically outside. It's where we do the dishes and our laundry. It's also the principal point of infiltration of Kendra's greatest nemesis- the cockroach. When  we first learned of their presence, Kendra immediately besought me to bring death upon them, to lay waste to their armies and return to her taped recordings of the lamentation of their women. But I was disinclined to crush a relatively larger organism, especially one so renown for its capacity to survive hardship, and left it up to her to fight the good fight. That is, until one day when I saw one running about in the 3/4'' gap beneath our dishes on a drying rack. They drew first blood, not me, and I soon began leading death raids into our back room at night. Taking point, I'd flip the light switch, waiting out the delay for the light to turn on- then we'd rush in, shoes in hand, making leaps and desperate strikes to defeat our foes. Kendra would marvel at the prowess she claimed that I had in the discipline, possibly citing my experience in the Israeli fight system. I can only chalk it up to two rules: never show fear and always believe in yourself. Anything's possible.

Huge Flying Beetles

If you're looking for a way to discount Darwin's theory of evolution, look no further than these near golf-ball sized flying beetles. A bumbling testament to ineptitude, the darn things can hardly go an inch without idiotically bumping into something, knocking themselves silly or trapping themselves rolling about on their backs. They're the most ridiculously pathetic creature I've seen, and after initial attempts to set them about on their way or assist them, I've now given them over to their own disability to survive. Adding to the factors stacked against them, they're apparently a local delicacy around here and people eat tons of them. How they've lasted as a species for longer than 5 minutes is beyond me.

Giant Spiders

We've written about these before, but just like the omnipresent threat of terrorism, it's worth staying on one's guard. Just because you can't currently see a giant golden orb web spider doesn't mean one's not after you. If you can see a golden orb web spider, it can see you. If you can't see one, you are seconds away from death.

Bird-Sized Bees

On my first run of my first day here in Thailand, I was thrilled to see a large, jet-black hummingbird flying about and tried to tail  it to get a picture. Shockingly, I would soon learn that it was in fact a giant bee and possibly on of the horseman of the apocalypse. Modern science would have us believe that these are gentle giants, merely flying about in an absent-minded search for nectar. That's just what the bees want you to believe. Reinforce your doors, board your windows, and arm yourself with a tennis racket or a shotgun- these bees are here to stay and I'm not going to be the one to tell them to move.

Stick Bugs

One night at our beloved jungle restaurant (the one that sits on stilts up in the tropical canopy on a cliff-side overlooking the Andaman Sea), we were having a lovely dinner. It was during this time that another farang patron advised Kendra that she had a ~9in stick bug walking about on her back. To her credit, Kendra remained quite calm and I hopped up to inspect our new visitor. I had stick bugs in a terrarium growing up, so I was eager to meet the not-so-little fellow. The walking stick looked like exactly that, and he continued his wave-like walking motion, emulating the movement of a twig in the breeze. To his credit, he was doing an excellent job, but unlike most bird species, as a human I have acquired the unique knowledge that actual sticks are in fact incapable of walking on their own- so I saw right through his disguise. I reached out to gently grab him to carry him away, but upon contact he instantly froze, in another brilliant defense mechanism, and fell without injury to the boards below. He then made his escape.

Walk on, stick bug, walk on.

Praying Mantis

Walking out from our room onto our back patio is like a bug slot machine and you never know what you're going to get. One night recently, I happened to hit the jackpot and come upon a wayward praying mantis. Previously, I'd thought of praying mantis' in an adversarial fashion- pictures of them feeding on the geckos that I think of so fondly made me think of them as the enemy. But as I crouched down to look at the 4 inch tall insect, the strangest thing happened- it looked back at me. Rather than fly or crawl about like a thoughtless plant capable of movement, as every other insect I've ever seen has done, this mantis looked as though it were contemplating me. It wasn't even apparently afraid and, unless I'm anthropomorphizing here, it seemed as though it was curious. As I went to pick it up from behind, to help it out of being somewhat trapped in our patio area, it boldly whirled around with its arms to fend me off, then flew to the other side of the porch. But when I walked over and crouched down again, this time extending my open hand out at arms length for it to potentially walk up on, it took me up on my offer and walked aboard. I then lifted the mantis and, after a final look, it flew away. I was quite impressed by my praying mantis encounter and now think quite highly of his/her kind.

There are many more insects here, from dragonflies to incredibly annoying moths and ants that fly about losing their wings and touching everything, to giant, highly venomous centipedes (~1 foot long) that terrorize Thailand. Grasshoppers, flying bugs, mealworms - all of these and more have become snacks for the locals who cook them in spices. The insects (and for those nerdier than me reading this, yes I know that arachnids aren't insects) are just one part of our very multi-faceted part of Thailand and certainly add to the experience... except for the gnats and mosquitoes. May they all burn in Hell.