But really I am.
We've been in Thailand for two months, and as I reflect on our time here I come again and again to a sort of 'best of times, worst of times' revelation. Only, the worst of times really aren't that bad.
Back in the States, Kendra would save us some money by giving me haircuts. We do the same here, only instead of sitting in the comfort of our apartment bathroom, we're... outside. To paint a depiction of what it's like being outside, imagine the surface of the sun. Then, to incorporate the humidity, imagine being underwater. Basically, being outside during the daytime is like being in superheated water. I recently joked to my family that, given the humidity, Kendra or I will jump in the shower to dry off, and that's only something of an over exaggeration.
So to sum up the haircut experience- Kendra is a saint. Our hair trimmer, previously quite tame while using the American 110V electricity, has now hulked-out into practically a weed whacker while running on Thailand's 220. Haircuts for me become counter-productive as the trimmings simply fall off my head and immediately stick to the overly sweaty body below. It's more like a hair re-location than a cut, and I come out of it looking like a heat-exhausted Robin Williams.
Yet, despite these difficulties, we endure. But living in another country has additional challenges. Take driving.
I pray daily for the pedestrians who will be anywhere near the car I'm driving when I return to the States. I've now totally adjusted to driving a manual with my left hand, sitting in what used to be shotgun, while driving in the opposite direction. For anyone curious, driving in Thailand is like a video game that becomes more complex for each 20 seconds of driving.
Let me explain- for the first twenty seconds, you drive along smoothly paved roads with no traffic and not a care in the world. Enter scooters. If the Buddhist belief that spirits are reincarnated is true, then the WWII Japanese Kamikaze pilots are now existing in the bodies of every scooter driver in Khao Lak. I've never seen such disregard for one's own life as I have with each scooter that pulls in front of me without looking going half the speed I am while carrying two toddlers. It can be infuriating. Then, 40 seconds in, we have the next level- cars traveling in the opposite direction pull into your lane to pass the slower car in theirs and always justify doing so because, "Hey, that oncoming pickup can just pull over into the shoulder. I'm not gonna waste 5 seconds of my life waiting for a safe moment to pass. That's ridiculous." And it's made even more ridiculous by how blindly it's done ("Blind curve ahead? Dip in the road hiding possible oncoming traffic? No problem!). Then the small army of tourists in the city, each suffering from the Western delusion that 'pedestrians have the right of way' always engage you in a game of high-stakes frogger. I never thought I'd say this but I really miss traffic cops.
This pretty much sums it up.
But you can always get a fitful night's sleep in tropical paradise, right? Maybe. If you're immune to noise.
The local roosters here have collectively thrown circadian rhythms out-the-window and jointly decided only to crow under two conditions: 1) when it's dark out, or 2) when it's light out. Subsequently, the dogs decided to bark only when there's a noise of any volume level within a five-mile radius of their position, especially if it's a rooster crowing or another dog barking at a rooster crowing. Then the laxative you took because the last 5 days have been rather uneventful decides that it will actually work after all. At 2am. Then at 3am. And then at 5am. Sleep indeed.
While we're on the topic of food, and we nearly were, let's discuss it's entry. Thai food is excellent and I've greatly enjoyed the culinary moments of our life here, but if you can't handle spice watch out. As far as Kendra's concerned, some of the dishes she's been served may have looked like food but actually consisted of pure fire. Traversing a menu for her is like walking through a minefield only there's a mine every square foot. It's been actually quite humorous at times, as she quickly learned the phrase, 'mai ped', meaning, 'not spicy.' The dish is then made 'not spicy', but it's not spicy to a Thai, meaning, it's still really, really spicy. So it escalates. She learns 'mai sai prick', essentially, 'absolutely no spice', and come serving time there are 5 red peppers in her meal. You can't escape it, you can only take Tums.
And that's the thing of it- regardless of any differences in cultural mentality, you ultimately have to embrace the Thai perspective of 'sabai sabai', which essentially means a combination of 'relax' and 'oh well.' It's too hot to care and there's too much good food yet to be eaten to be bothered by anything in Thailand.
I really enjoy your ranting...I do!
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